Pat Sheehan, my therapist, I was invited to notice the programming that was running in the background of my life from the Internal Matriarch and Internal Patriarch. From the moment those aspects of myself were brought into my consciousness, what was unconscious became conscious. I could feel the Internal Matriarch anger, frustration, and rage. In fact, she was even angry that Pat had opened the space for me to bring her into my awareness. So much of my own self imposed expectations came from this aspect. I felt completely unable to fulfill the requirements that this aspect placed upon me to fulfill my duties and prove my worth and value. Identifying this aspect allowed me to recognize how much I projected “her” expectations of myself onto my husband and how much I resented him for having those expectations, even though he did not in actuality. So I accepted Pat’s invitation to just be present with these aspects for the next few weeks and allow the beliefs and programming to come into my awareness.
Over the next week, the programming was illuminated so brightly that I could “hear” it go off in my head as I went about my daily life. For example, as I prepared dinner one evening, I recognized how much of my worth I equate to feeding those that I love. For the belief is, “I must feed my family home-cooked meals to be valued and loved by my family.” There were other things that I noticed too. I noticed that I must perform these acts of service consistently without any deviation or I am not a good nurturer or caregiver and hold no value. I noticed the martyr in me flowing from this aspect; for as much as I enjoy creating expression of love through food, I resent not being “able” to choose when I am in service in this way. I realized that if I prepared a fabulous home cooked meal, did a craft with the kids, had a spotless home, had the children dressed to the nines, and I looked like a million bucks in my pumps and cute dress and apron, it would not be enough. How exhausting! This exercise in bringing ancestral beliefs into my main stream of consciousness brought up some anger for me. This was because I was the one that had created the impossible no win scenario and was blaming others for it.
Monday, March 21, 2011 Diane Parsons invited me to receive a session in Matrix Energetics. This session was easy and gentle to receive and I believe it worked on my field at the fractal level. It was as if an .exe file was downloaded into my field and delivered a full system update. I had received codes that canceled cleared genetic programming of my ancestors on both the matriarchal and patriarchal sides of the genetic code. My personal belief system that I was up against was my “knee jerk” reaction to do it all myself, be a martyr, cook, cleaner, and be in service to those around me. Through symbolism and clairsentience, Diane gave me two golden apples. Each one was fed to me…first the left or the grandmother and then the grandfather apple on the right. Each grew into a beautiful tree, and then through the heart space they became one tree in the center of my body. I had successfully received the codes to clear out the negative aspects of my genetic programming and integrate it into the wholeness of who I am. I was drowned in the blood of my ancestors and then
washed clean of it. What I experienced was a very peaceful calm while this session was happening…but afterward I was exhausted. I had to lie down before I fell down. Just like if a PC was receiving a Windows Update. Nothing can occur during that process. I had my warning pop-up. It said “system reboot in 20 min…go to bed now.” I told my kids that I was receiving a system update and I would be out of commission during the duration of the system update and reboot. Sure enough, I went into the deepest sleep. My arms and legs could not move. However, my consciousness was still present and I moved into lucid dreaming. But I still could not move my body. After the system update was complete and the codes were integrated, I finally could open my eyes and move my body. However, the bugs were not worked out. I felt groggy and heavy. For all circuits to fire and work correctly, a salt bath was in order. The minerals in a salt bath help the circuitry of the other layers of the field integrate and communicate with the physical body. So, a salt bath I took. It will be interesting to see how this system reboot affects my daily life, relationships, and work. But, like all things, I am sure it will not be the only system reboot I will have or have ever had.
There are certain energy practitioners who have the gift of being code carriers. These are people who at some level of their higher god/goddess selves have full access to the codes that can directly impact this reality.
Just like in a system reboot, it doesn’t mean that the previous version was bad or wrong or did not serve its purpose. It so did. However, there are adjustments that are necessary and there is programming that is now out dated and programming that is faster or easier to work with. Instead of being in judgment, for example, that my ancestors pasted on to me belief systems that inhibited my ability to truly be all of who I am, I can be in gratitude for that collective knowledge being passed to me and celebrate that I am the one that took the time, energy, and effort to clear non-serving code from my human template and those that will proceed me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 I visited Pat Sheehan for a counseling session. The most profound part of this session was the healing of the Grandmother aspect. Through breath work I moved into a space of peaceful being and in the calm I felt Her transform from the martyr to the nurturer, from the bitterness of hard life to gratitude, from aged wrinkles and leathered skin to smooth plumpness, from harden toughness to strength of wisdom. I sat in the peaceful quiet of her. I sat in the knowing of her. I sat in the space of knowing that she has my best interests at heart and felt the deep love. The tranquility of the Grandfather aspect was also present. It was a different experience than I had before.
Sunday, March 26, 2011 I was involved in an experiential exercise in an Ipsalu Tantra Kriya Yoga class. The exercise was presencing within the body and being aware of messages from the body. I focused in on my left hip at the marrow of the bone. From that place within my body an urgent need was heard to heal the ancestors as if they were screaming at me for restoration. Then I moved my attention to my left knee and I received the message that I had all of what was needed to heal them and to rejoice. Not long after I was participating in a cathartic emotional release process where the depth of the grief of the ancestors was awakened and it was as if my body opened up and the legions of unexpressed pain, suffering, grief, and inner torment was released through my solar plexus. The pain was excruciating as if my diaphragm was going to burst out of the front of my body. The following days I was tired but lighter; my legs were sore especially the left.
Tuesday, March 30, 2011, I awoke from a dream realizing it was profound and important. I dreamed I was on a country road and realized I was at a farm in Waveland, Indiana, my Grandmother and Grandfather’s farm from long ago. I never had been there because it was bought by the state of Indiana and is at the bottom of Lake Waveland now; that all happened before my birth. However, I knew that is where I was. I took time exploring the outside of the farm house and the barn. Then I noticed that the place had been damaged in some way by robbery or vandals. I felt the despair before I saw that there were people that resided at the farm that were hiding. So I go up to my Grandmother, this is my Dad’s mom, and she has been passed since I was a small child, and I see a group of statues. I can’t take my focus off of this Mother Mary ceramic idol. I feel it is important to note that I have never had any particular calling to Mother Mary. I notice that there are children’s faces beneath and superimposed over Mary’s robes. I ask who these children are and I am told their names. Of the 6 or 7 names I only remember Nicholas and Stephen. I feel that I will not be noticed by the Grandmother as she is busy over seeing all of the commotion, but I feel to speak up and get her attention. She says, “What is your name?” I say, “I am sorry, my name is Jenny.” She says, “Never apologize for who you are.” I ask her for the Mother Mary idol and she hands it to me saying, “Now you are the protector of the children.” I take the idol and leave the farm in my vehicle that is open to the air and I am not traveling alone.